Unclean

He {amidst a serious discussion}: I do not think I want to have sex with you. I think you are unclean.
Me : What????
He : Yeah... I have lost interest in you. I believe you are unclean.
Me {Disconnecting from the original serious discussion & coming to the moment with full on sarcasm}: I do not remember asking you to have sex with me.
Me {After giving him a thorough scan}: What made you think that I would be interested in having sex with You?
He : Even if you are, I now cannot.

As Kuttan PP mentioned in Bangalore Days, I did introduce him to those few key words from each of the languages I know. He was last seen enquiring about the significance of bathing in the Ganges!!!!

My Dear Supreme Power!!!!!
7 billion people... Maybe 8...
I do not need any more interactions with ___ to know that men are like this. I can point out quite a few in 20km radius.
Now that you & I have come to a conclusion, can we move on?

Picture Courtesy : macobserver.com

HowTo satisfy those TasteBuds???

She : We had Puttu & Kadala
Me : I too am thinking of making Puttu & Kadala
Kiddo : Yeeeey! Kadala.....
Kiddo {immediately the realization steps in} : Oooh.... But then it won't be like Achamma's (gran)
He {as Kiddo's excitement fizzles out} : So this is the problem every where. Why don't you all learn to do it like the parents??

My dear He... Remember the salt analysis we did as part of our schooling... Follow the steps & you will end up with a successful analysis. Well... cooking might seem like salt analysis to you... But then... Also remember that one should follow the heart while cooking.

Salt analysis says -  Fry the onions, then add tomatoes.
But then.... The heart goes behind all those nuances.... should the onions be lightly colored, golden brown, caramelized? Oh! Yea... The overly burnt!

My heart would beat for different things. Oh! Btw... Tastebuds does weird things to that silly thing called heart!!! Synchronization all these variables will take days of direct observation of all the elements involved.

OMG!!!

Well... as long as you are not poisoned... Thank the Lord that you are not poisoned & eat what has been served on your plate X-( :-P

PS.
Unless I am positively motivated, I surely am not going to invest all that time in observing & analyzing the elements... X-(

Picture Courtesy : truedemocracyparty.net

So Typical!!!

I send this message to 5 people... Group consisting of both male & female

"I am bored... Please suggest something that would keep me engaged!"

I observed an interesting pattern here.....

Every single female entity replies with - Take my children!
And every single male entity replies with... Make a guess..... Links to porn sites!!!!

Men!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Picture Courtesy : www.patheos.com

HowTo Drive Them Away?

She : What is it that drive them(men) off?
Another She {in a matter of fact tone}: Love Marriage Commitment!
Another She {not pausing for a response}: Tell him I want to marry you! I want to bare your children! I want to bring them up! And if you want, I want to take care of your aging parents!!!

Yes! All of us had moment there!!! :-D :-D


Picture Courtesy : www.buzzle.com

While they are busy........

She : When we (wives) are busy with work.... or anything for that matter... and the men are jobless... They hardly ever complain. They accept & adjust & are content in that state.
She {continuing after a deep pause}: But when we are jobless & they are busy... even if it was with work... we are irritated, frustrated, whiny & what nots. We just cannot handle it when they are busy & we are jobless.

This conversation happened 7 or 8 years back.

Well... Nothing much has changed since.... The girl still goes mad when the guy is busy when she is absolutely jobless!!!

Ooo... I just witnessed this all over again. The only difference... This time I was equipped with the gyan! ;-)

My dear... this is just a phase & it will pass... and then you will start complaining he is doing nothing & sitting idly at home... :-P

Picture Courtesy : www.dailymail.co.uk

Sorry Chocolate

Scene 1
He gets a chocolate... the elite Dairy Milk Silk. True to the ad... He takes an emotional trip to the day He threw her scrunchie into the commode. Comes out of his reverie & tells his mom... "Mama... this is going to be my Sorry Chocolate to Her. I will apologize for my behavior & share this with Her."
Mommy is all glowing with pride. After all, He is not sticking to the conventional Malayalee male image.

Scene 2
He walks into Her house. Both He & She barely acknowledges each others existence and walks in different directions. Meanwhile He casually tosses the 'Sorry Chocolate' around.
The Proud Mommy is now the Confused Mommy... What just happened???

Scene 3
We mommies get busy with our yapping... While it was time to leave, we mommies were confused about the status of the Sorry Chocolate. Did he give? Is he to take it back? Did he bring 2 chocolates?

Scene between 2 & 3
Apparently, while we were busy... He took that Chocolate & left it on Her study.

Scene 4
She {while his mommy was calling out to leave}: You left your chocolate.
He {As careless as he could be}: Its not mine.
She {I can vouch on Kiddo's life that I could hear a smug tone in her voice}: Then why are you leaving it here.
He {With all the arrogance a 9yr old could muster}: It is for you.
And they leave for the day...........

Ya ya! These Martian traits are demonstrated even at a very young age. Okok! Venusians are no better. Of course I can identify with this scene!!!!
Nobody said Sorry here...
Nobody acknowledged anything in front of the other...
Nobody is ever going to be caught feeling good about this entire episode....

Now... are they going to cling on their ego(or whatever) like we elders do? Or are they going to let go???

Oooo... I surely am going to watch this closely.... purely for academic reasons... ;-) O:-)

Picture Courtesy : www.authenticwomanexperience.com

Scene One...

Continued....

All the while He & She were busy behind the doors, I was taken through this excerpt from the book I read the previous night.

Oja left the door open and went back to sit on the floor and stare at the television. From seven to nine every evening, she was hypnotized by the melancholic Tamil soaps. During this time she encourage everybody to disappear. 
Ayyan sat beside her and watched the serial patiently.'Why is that woman crying?' he asked to irritate her. 'Last night too she was crying. She has no dialogue?'
Oja did not respond. Her own large interested eyes were moist.
He told her, 'I come home after a hard day's work and you just sit and watch TV?'
Her nostrils flared a bit but she chose to remain silent. That was her strategy.
'You know, Oja,' he said, as he began these things, 'rich people have a name for everyhing. They even have a word for the time a man spends with his family. 
''Really?' she asked without turning round.
'They call it Quality Time.'

All the while Ayyan was knowingly pushing his luck. And that was exactly what He did. He was pushing his luck by irritating an already irritated wife. Oh! some of the lines used by He were exact same. Wonder whether they learn this the moment they become 'Husband'!

End result? He & She gets into a fist fight... which included She throwing water on He & He throwing water on She...

All I can say is..... :-) :-*

Picture Courtesy : www.theguardian.com

greetings

The movies are not at all exaggerating when they show girls screaming over nothing .... This happened during a meeting I had to attend ...

A guy meets another guy ... quietly pats of the each others back & a quick handshake
A gal meets someone she knows .... noise noise & more noise

Yes! irony of the year ... Posted by a gal who screams for nothing ... ;) 

Picture Courtesy : www.123rf.com

revelation of the day

I am a regular listener to Koit - the online version of the channel. Their catch line is 'lite rock, less talk'. But my line for them would be - mushy mushy songs :) I was listening to them today morning & I noticed a pattern among the songs they were playing at that time. The girls keep crying about the lost loved by repeating how great it was and the guys kept saying sorry. Not sure whether the playlist selection was made in that manner. But looked like the girls keep expecting sorry.

PS.
This post is purely coincidental. Any similarity to anyone living/dead was & is unintentional.

Picture Courtesy : www.clipartof.com

planet wars

This conversation takes place between best friends. Situation - the girl & the boy are going through a rough patch in their relationship.

Girl : I am so tired sometimes I feel like ending it all up formally.
Girl's best girl friend : What happened? Don't you still love him?

Boy : She wants to leave me.
Boy's best boy friend : What happened? Is she having an affair?

And, I rest my case here.

Picture Courtesy : www.fotosearch.com

Compliment ... to give or not to

"I have no clue how I am going to ask her to reduce all those excess kilos she is gaining", said one of my guy friends. They are expecting their first baby. His wife was asked for a complete bed rest, during the first trimester, due to some complication. And, later on, the doctor advised not to strain herself. All this left no room for any activity - not even the age old remedy - the walk. And like a typical mallu, shes being gaining weight ever since.

We, my friend & myself, being loyal friends, we started off with our expertise. He had no option but to listen to us - after all, girls are supposed to know girls better. This is a snippet of the conversation that ensued ....

Me : Well, to start with, never ever tell her to start working out. That is a direct insult - it gets translated to 'You are fat! Do something!'
The other girl friend(eagerly shaking her head in consensus) : Very true! That might even hurt her ego.
Me : Yeah, and that will surely back fire!
He (taking a mental note) : No direct statements!

The other girl friend : Make subtle comments.
He (looking lost) : How can the topic of weight reduction be made subtle?
Me (seriously thinking) : For one, you may start saying stuffs like, you look great in some pre-pregnancy dresses.
The other girl friend : Yeaa .... you can tell her that you like it when she wears that dress.

There was a long pause while the guy was giving it a serious thought. Finally, the other girl friend broke the silence .... "But the problem is, if you are not used to complimenting her, and out of the blue, you make this statement, she'll be wondering - Are you nuts!!!!"

That was exactly the reaction I gave my husband when my hubby got me some accessories 'out of the blue'! He had been out of town that weekend. On a normal day, things like, ringing up or getting gifts are not important to him. And, he never does that and, I was fine with that until this time, when he decided to surprise me with a gift! As my dear friend had mentioned, I was indeed dumbstruck & was wondering - 'Is something wrong with this guy?'

Hydraulic Force

"I was unable to transfer all my emotions into a verbal form, I guess thats why I cried", said I.

I was talking to a guy friend of mine, soon after I had patched up with my hubby after a week long fight. He asked me how I patched up, and my answer was - I don't know, I was confronting him & then I started crying. Maybe, my verbal skills were unable to match the rate at which the emotions were taking a ride. And, I burst into tears out of frustration for not being able to convert all these emotions into words!

The other day, someone else close to me had mentioned the same thing. They too patched up after she started crying. Now, thanks to 'Times of India', I know why. If you want to read the complete article, check the 'Banglore Times' dated Sept 23rd, 2009. They have an article titled, 'Crying is good for you'.

As per this article, crying is a highly evolved behavior. Tears give clues and reliable information about submission, needs & social attachments between one another! They also say that the 'efficiency' of crying depends on who we are with and the place we are at. That is, crying in office is not efficient .... Duh???!?!?!?

Fine! At least, the next time I cry amidst an argument & my husband gets irritated, I have an answer ... an actual answer that he would understand. But, my all time favorite definition for this process is ......

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Psst! Yes! this is how I get away with all the arguments. Otherwise, I don't see a reason why my marriage should have lasted this long!

local hartals

Like all Thursdays, last Thursday I called in a strike at home. Yeah, being a mallu coming from a leftist background, I have the liberty to call in strikes or hartals every now & then. And mind you, like the strikes in Kerala, I too go on strike every other day. I was beginning to get the feeling that, something was terribly wrong with me - I am always in the fighting mode.

During one of these 'hartal' days, I had visited my friend's place before going to office. The maid opened the door & let me in. While I was waiting for my friend in their living room, I could hear an extremely familiar conversation. It got me worried, did someone overhear me grumbling? Were they trying to mock me? Quite contrary to my character, I decided to wait for a couple of seconds, before I respond. And just then, I saw my friend storming out of her bedroom, took a pause, turned back to say the finishing line & walked out of the house with me.

Thats when it all came to me. The scenes & the dialogs were familiar to me, it just happened in my house just a couple of minutes back.

Yesterday, I was visiting another friend of mine and I just missed the familiar scene. The house was calm, calm like the ones before the storm. And, they were just holding it back, because both our kids were playing in the same room.

I have to say, I was a little relieved to witness these 'private' moments. I am not completely different from other couples. Of course, the degree of bitterness varies, but am happy that deviation from the normal has reduced. The issues are all similar - women say something & men translate them into something completely different.

into the loo ....

When I was being introduced to the 'real' my hubby, by his family, one thing caught my attention. That was his dad's 'handout' on his routines -

5 songs in the bathroom = morning rituals complete
another 6 songs = bathing complete
another 4 songs = hes all set to come out

Until I married, there weren't any guy living in the house. In my maternal home, the men of the house - my dad & my bro - who were working &/or studying outside Kerala, were mere visitors. So, I could never comprehend the 'need' to be in the bathroom for this long.

I thought, may be, my hubby is different ... after all he was brave enough to marry me! Now, that I have a larger circle of married friends, I get the same response from all the lady friends. Their guy spends more time in the loo than anywhere else!

Maybe, its a guy thing - may be they feel secure there?!?!? Like the algebraic formulas I was asked to accept, I am to accept these new formulas too. I remember, one of my aunts complaining about her son taking the newspaper to the loo. But, now as technology has progressed, they take PSPs & laptops to the loo. Oh! yes! whenever my hubby configures a wireless router, loo is the first place he checks for connectivity!!

The silent treatment ....

This is the story of He and She. It was her bday & he was trying everything to keep her on cloud 9. It was a Saturday & like every other working couple, this Saturday was also jam packed for them. Besides the routine tasks, she was to goto a famous mall for her bday lunch at location X(via A, L, M & N). And, he was go & arrange for that night's dinner party at location Y(via A, L, C & D). And, I, was eavesdropping on them ;)

This story unfolds at a place near his & her home....
He : I don't see your wallet, where is it?
She (the look) : --
He (a lil defensive) : I was asking this because, weren't you supposed to catch a bus to go and meet your friends.
There were some discussions on the POA as our final destinations were in different directions & we had only 1 car. We had a rough plan laid out while we crossed A.
He : How are you planning to pay for the lunch? I hope, you have sufficient money with you.
She (the look again) : --
He & Me came up with the final draft while we passed point L. We also decided on the child distribution plan - kids to stay with their respective mommies. We were a few meters away from C when she finally spoke ...
She (all smiling) : So, whats the plan now?
Me (proud to explain the foolproof plan) : We are now going to Y to order food. There is a bus stop near Y, its a major bus stop, so you will get all buses to all routes from this place.
She (screaming) : Aren't we going home now??!?!?!?? I don't have money, I am not dressed properly. Am I to take the baby in this dress?

Since I was the audience, I had all the authority to roll on the floor laughing.
He (all perplexed) : What was i repeatedly asking you all this while?
She (that angry look) : --

Someone was correct in saying, Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus. I would say, so are their communication methodology. All this while, she was using 'the look' to say, "Don't be stupid! Can't you see am not dressed for the occasion? I have to go home & change & a get a lot of other stuffs sorted out before I go out for lunch. "

I think, he was able to put her back on cloud 9(or at least a cloud 6) after a lil help from Me towards damage control.